Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We smell like vodka and hangover
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