Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
