i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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