He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
