Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
