remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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