I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
