Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
