foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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