awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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