Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
