yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
