I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
