I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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