i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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