she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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