i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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