I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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