What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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