are you still at the devil's house?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
