So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
