i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
