your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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