I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
