Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
