just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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