I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
