I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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