well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
