I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
