Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
