Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
