My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
