I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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