He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I got inside last night via doggy door
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
