It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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