every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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