It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
