i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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