angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
