So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
