Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
