I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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