There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
