making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
