my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
