You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This house was built for laser tag.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
