drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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