he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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