I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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