Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
